HEADLINES

By Steve Fey

Let’s look at a few. Here’s one from the 4th of October, when apparently the headline writers were out of ideas: Bush Seeks Quick Confirmation for Meirs. In the over two centuries of the United States of America, has any President not wanted a single nominee not confirmed quickly?

Now here’s one that can be repeated daily seemingly forever: US Launches Another Major Assault in Western Iraq. You may need to change the word "Western", but other than that, it’s good forever. These are the sorts of things we see as headlines in the news. These headlines are okay, I guess, because those headline writers need to make a living. But, they’re not funny. Here are some headlines I’d like to see written.

Former Presidents Bush and Clinton found in Love Triangle with Cigar Factory

Carillon at National Cathedral to be Sponsored by Hostess Snack Cakes; New Name to be Ding Dong Gong Bong

Man With Brittle Bones Becomes Father; Now Known as the Snap Crackle Pop

Man In Times Square Mysteriously Turns Into Monkey; Nobody Notices

Man Bites Dog; Dog Kicks Man; Man Cowers in Garage, Whimpering

Regular News Readers In Clear Minority; Apparently You Are Some Sort of Geek

See what I mean? Those are headlines that grab your attention and make you wish you’d learned to read more good. Don’t think that better headlines would make for more readership? Then consider the following statistics, which I’m making up as I go along.

Eighty-Six percent of middle school students would rather do something dangerous enough to cut off their right hand than read a book.

Nine out of ten residents of Ashley, Okalahoma do not regularly read the Washington Post.

In the time it takes you to read this sentence, you could have read another sentence that was more entertaining.

Although the word is used by Shakespeare, almost nobody knows what ‘fardles’ are.

If all that isn’t enough to alarm you then consider the sad fact that no one, not even the person who wrote them, has ever been able to decipher the directions for assembling ready-to-assemble furniture from a big box store.

But what, you ask, does all this mean to me? Well, you, like the rest of us, are basically a bag of water animated by some small spark of intelligence that is frequently drowned out by the craving for Doritos and Coke. That means that the headlines, far from informing you, will simply take over what little brain you have that isn’t preoccupied with food or Angelina Jolie and cause it to become obsessed with trivial nonsense that will keep you effectively distracted from what "they" want to get away with. Not that you’ll remember any of that in two minutes, mind you.

Actually, it’s not a problem at all. Just enjoy the entertainment, grab those chips, pour that soda, and sink way, way down into that comfortable lounger you spent a thousand bucks on at Furniture Universe. That’s it, just get nice and comfortable. There you go.

I’ve got to go write me some more headlines.