By Steve Fey

As I sit in the swamp that is Southern Nevada I wonder what it would be like to live in a dry climate. Perhaps seasonal allergies would be less of a problem. Maybe there would be no need to drive half a mile in order to keep the dew from re-forming on car windows. I really don’t know, and probably never will. All of this is, of course, because of our sins.

Nevada in general, of course, went for the righteous party in the recent Presidential elections. Nevada in general voted for the god-fearing, red-white-and-blue-blooded, true-blue American Republican Party. Nevada in general is not in danger of washing into the Sea of Cortez. Southern Nevada, a noted hotbed of sin and degradation featuring fleshpots beyond description, gambling, bright lights to distract the faithful, con artists on every corner and immigrants from California on every block, well, Southern Nevada voted for the godless, cowardly, stuck-up, immature, wastes of protoplasm that is the Democratic Party.

So, of course, we’ve ticked off the almighty. It’s not like he hasn’t told us how to behave, what with his mighty agents on earth such as James (Sponge Bob is Gay) Falwell and others. We have no excuse for our sinful ways with such beacons of righteous rectitude on the job, but we went and voted for the Party of Satan anyway. Of course, it wasn’t all of us, but then the almighty has never been that discriminating. You remember Noah? Why only two Panda bears were allowed, out of all those cute Panda bears, is beyond me. Yet he demanded that two mosquitoes be included. That, too is a mystery, but not for us to complain about. (You remember Job? He questioned the almighty and ended up being fish food. Literally.) And why, of all the families on the planet, was Noah so special? We’ll never really know, but it’s hard to believe that righteousness is inherited, if Noah’s family was righteous and all the others drowned, but the world is so full of sin that whole large cities will opt for the godless Democrats over the righteous Republicans.

But, we are paying for those sins. Northern Nevada is getting snowed on, it’s true, but that snow will water their fields come spring. Here in the southern tip of this territory, all we’ve gotten is inch after inch of torrential rain. Hillsides have collapsed. Construction has been delayed. Chaos rains, I mean reigns. Vengeance is mine, sayeth himself.

So, I write this in the hope that we can avoid spreading this plague of bad weather throughout the country. Do the right thing America, before it’s too late. Revere your President, obey your government, and most of all, vote Republican. Otherwise we will see severe winter storms in the Midwest and Northeast, a terrible hurricane season in Florida, and terrible mudslides in California. Is that the sort of country you’d like to live in?

I thought not.