By Steve Fey

Grabby title, isn’t it? Too bad the article has nothing to do with any of those things. Well, maybe a little. Everybody is some sex or other. Any group with more than three people in it is political. And I know you all read this space religiously, probably even saying things like "oh my God" while you read. I like to put up a title that grabs the reader, though. Here are some others I’ve been considering. Let me know what you think.

Actually, I’ve been reading the tabloids in the supermarket again. Just today I found out that Chelsea’s been drinking again (I never knew she started.) At the same time Bill’s on the verge of collapse and Hillary (believe it or not) is a victim in all this. If you believe that stuff then I want to tell you about an opportunity in Lower Manhattan involving crossing the East River, but that’s another story. This story involves news.

I’ve seen some television shows that talk about how poorly the news media is doing these days in presenting challenges to their viewers and readers as well as to their subjects (read "elected officials.") I myself have noticed sometimes that the only place I ever hear about some stories is on a comedy show hosted by John Stewart. Who is John Stewart? I just told you, aren’t you paying attention? Actually, he talks about the media a lot, and no wonder. The show did a story about NBC airing the news about one of Hussein’s judges being killed, but they said in their story that NBC had put a picture of the judge up and so the judge was now in danger. Well, they’re a bunch of jokers, but a paper in Canada actually quoted them and ran that story as a fact. It wasn’t. So, there’s a fact I’ve presented: you be the judge.

Headlines can be fun. If that’s all you read, then you really get a different picture of what’s happening from, say, what’s actually happening. That can be a real problem on TV news, because it’s a good day for them if they actually present some headlines. They never get to any real news, other than that the weather will remain for the foreseeable future. Not only do they only present headlines (when they have news at all) but the headlines are written to really grab your attention, sort of like the title of this article. Would you consider reading this if up top it said "Boring Crap About the News"? I didn’t think so.

In the interest of fair reporting, then, here are two stories that have dominated the news lately, presented flat and with no particular effort to grab anything:

"A woman in Florida died after her husband decided she would never recover from her persistent vegetative state."

"The Bishop of Rome died due to complications of Parkinson’s and multiple organ failures."

Nobody would ever pay a bit of attention to anything presented like that. Here are some better headlines for those stories, although not the ones actually used.

"Human Vegetable Finally Out of the Stew! Husband in Hot Water!"

"Pope Poops Out. Gets Permanent Leave of Absence."

See how that works? Cool, huh? You don’t have to read or listen to a single thing beyond those headlines to get into a real lather over things. I tell you, modern marketing and promotion is truly a miracle. You should go buy something right now!