By Steve Fey

I know that the law isn’t what it ought to be. If it were, we wouldn’t have the law, because everybody would know how to behave. Still, we like to think that we’re able to make people who don’t know how to behave pay some appropriate penalty for what they do. Don’t tell me you’ve never paid a fine for speeding, because I know better. So you see what I mean when I propose some new laws. They should be strictly enforced, too.

First, car alarms. Not only do they not stop someone from stealing your car, they’re pretty obnoxious to listen to for the rest of us. So, every time a car alarm goes off that someone isn’t actually breaking in to the car, the driver owes a ten-dollar fine payable to the local noise ordinance enforcement fund.

Second, cell phones. For every offense involving talking loudly and without regard for people around you, two weeks of total phone deprivation, accomplished by enforced house arrest after a cell phone signal-blocking fence is erected around the perimeter. The second offense results in a month’s deprivation. The third offense will result in plastic surgery to make you look like Osama bin Laden, after which you’ll be forced to stand around Times Square during lunch hour. A fourth offense is highly unlikely.

For traffic offenses, I suggest that police are too expensive to waste on such petty crimes. Instead, all automobiles will be equipped with external paint ball launchers in various colors. Failure to signal a lane change will mean that the driver who is offended may fire a purple paint ball, with the color representing the color of the angry driver’s face. If you run a red light, then a driver on the cross street has the right to splat a red paint ball onto your vehicle. Red for stop, of course. Too timid to pull out into traffic? Yellow for you. A problem might be when people are jealous of other people’s choice of automobile; green isn’t all that pretty. Then again, unauthorized paintballing would be vandalism. That’s illegal, right? If you’re caught shooting when you shouldn’t be, you lose your privileges, and your car will be painted like a blotchy rainbow, just to teach you a lesson.

For barging right into an elevator when the doors open rather than waiting for the people inside to come out, you’ll be set the task of running up the down escalators of a busy Manhattan subway station during the evening rush hour every day for two weeks. So it again and we make it a London subway (it’s worse, you can trust us on that.)

For playing your boom car on a public corner loud enough so the people in the car next to you can’t hear their radio, you’ll be forced to listen to nothing but classical opera for a solid year. For your second offense, accordion music. A third offense is highly unlikely.

Sensible laws for a sensible society, I always say.