By Steve Fey

Advice: "It’s all fun and games until somebody gets an eye put out!"

Response:  "Sure, for the kid who gets his eye put out. For the rest of us it’s a real hoot watching him bleed and cry, then watching the ambulance come and take him away. It’s not like it hurts our eyes any, ma."

Advice: "Put on your jacket before you go out or you’ll catch your death of cold."
Response: "This from the woman who feels a draft in a closed room in July. During a hot spell. In Tampa."

Advice: "Do your homework, pay attention in school, do as you’re told and you could grow up to be President someday"
Response: "Ma, get real. The real President was a straight-C student, the one before him never did what he was told in his life, and half of the Presidents have cheated on their wives. What you’re giving me is a recipe for staying right here."

Advice: "You’re going to ruin your hearing listening to all that loud music!"
Response: "Huh?"

Advice: "I can’t believe how quickly you wear out your new clothes. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know."
Response: "Of course money doesn’t grow on trees, ma. How dumb do you think I am? Money comes out a slot in the ATM machine at the seven eleven."

Advice: "Stand up straight and be proud of what you are."
Response: "Proud of who I am? I thought I was that idiot who never studied, gave smart answers to motherly advice, and who never stands up straight."

Advice: "Don’t you dare play in that abandoned junk yard! Do you know the sort of trash you might run into in a place like that?"
Response: "Not until I go check it out. Thanks for the tip!"

Advice: "Stop playing that stupid game (watching that television) and go outside in the fresh air."
Response: "Does dad work out in the fresh air? Do you? Those guys I see holding stop signs in construction zones work out in the fresh air? Should I try for that job?"

Advice: "Always tell the truth. If you lie you’ll be sorry later."
Response: "How sorry is Larry after he blamed me for that window he broke and I had to pay for it? I wasn’t sorry when I lied about eating that bag of cookies . . . oops!"

Advice: "You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar."
"But you don’t like it when I mess with flies. Why do I want to catch more? Geez, ma, make up your mind, will you?"

Advice: "Don’t make a face like that or it will freeze and you’ll always look like you do now.
Response: "Oh, you mean like this? Or this? Like this?"

Advice: "For the last time, there are not any monsters under your bed!"
Response: "I know that. But wait until you see the snake I left under yours!"

Advice: "Someday, you’ll be glad that I gave you this punishment."
Response: "How about we wait until I’ll appreciate it before we do it?"