By Steve Fey

I know that I’ve covered lessons learned from the media in the past. The difference is that these are real lessons. Anyone could benefit from them. Trust me. Also, I’m going to stick to television, where in the past I’ve taken stuff from movies. Television is a much more reliable medium on which to base your life. Trust me.

First, television has taught me the importance of products. Being a guy, I always thought that a hammer was a product, a Pontiac was a product, even a doughnut was a product. This was because they all must be produced in one way or another, so they must be products. Turns out I was naïve about products. A product, as it happens, is something you smother yourself with, or use to shave with, or primp with. I know this because five gay guys on television have told me so. Henceforth, I’ll hammer with a hammer, nail with a nail, drive in a car, but I’ll use my products on my pretty face. Hey, that Carson knows what he’s talking about. It’s not like I’m using a bunch of creams and lotions like a girl, after all.

I’ve also learned a lot in the last few years about the nature of reality. In reality, families are perfectly willing to lie, cheat and steal their own members if at least one of them will get rich (or not) from doing so. Also I’ve learned that it’s possible to get a job building a skyscraper in Chicago by making an ass of yourself on national television for fourteen weeks. Oddly, Bill O’Reilly has yet to be given his first construction assignment, but then nothing is perfect.

I live in the Valley of Meadows, better known by the Spanish name of Las Vegas. Television has taught me that I’m obviously a hip, young, energetic, hard-working type with an exotic job in a casino or police department where I have tentative and interesting relationships with my fellow hip, young, energetic hard-working types and my older guy boss. Unless, that is, I’m a poor misguided soul who makes a living scamming the innocent tourists from Iowa and screwing over my hip, young, energetic hard-working type former friends. This is all, of course, perfectly true. You’d never believe how exciting it is to work in a glamorous Las Vegas casino. Really, you wouldn’t.

Finally, I’ve learned from television that character really does matter. Consider that English (sort of) accent speaking blonde woman on Law and Order: SUV, I mean SVU. She’s a villain, you know. A real foil for the hero Bobby Goren. People love her because she lies, cheats and steals, not just form her family but from everybody she meets, and gets away with it. Like I said, character matters, and she’s a great one. Of course, Bobby Goren’s character is also a bad boy. He’ll lie like a Persian rug if it helps him catch whomever he’s after. Did Joe Friday ever lie? Was Joe Friday ever interesting? See? Character really does matter.

I see that our time is up for this week, ladies and gentlemen. Tune in again next week when we’ll be taking an in-depth look at why Paul McCartney in the Superbowl was actually better looking than Britney Spears.