By Steve Fey

I’ve lived in the Valley of Meadows for almost a year now, and I spent quite a lot of time visiting here prior to moving in, so I think I can speak with some authority about this valley just a couple of valleys over from the valley called Death. Not very many tourists die here, we just suck all of their money out of their wallets. That’s the main reason that casinos are full of music and sound and laughter and shouting: to drown out the hum of all those giant Hoovers™. But Las Vegas doesn’t have to be expensive; in fact you can get all sorts of free stuff while you’re here.

For instance, you can collect what are known around town as "hooker cards." These colorful little items just about the size of baseball cards promise you pretty much anything your little heart, or other body part, might desire, delivered directly to your room by an impossibly shaped young lady. Some of the things promised are not, strictly speaking, legal in Las Vegas. Local young men, when they absolutely want such a service, go to the next county, where, amazingly enough, such things are not handed out by guys on the street, but listed in the yellow pages. Under ‘B’ if you’re interested. As to the services on the hooker cards, most local people think of them with about the same eager anticipation as they would a good mugging. This is not a coincidence.

Other free things include all sorts of free stuff along the "Strip." The "Strip" used to be a dark desert highway, kind of like in the Eagle’s Hotel California. This might even be an important thing to consider before booking your trip, in fact, but you shouldn’t worry about it. Our Hoovers™ are waiting to serve you, so ignore your misgivings and hurry on out. Now the strip is never dark, in fact you know it’s night because it gets brighter than when there’s only sunlight. The lights are not only bright enough to read fine print by, but they keep you warm on cold winter nights. That’s all a part of the service you can expect from the city that’s been home to people like Elvis and Oscar Goodman. Who’s Oscar? He’s a guy who, when his mob clientele went out of business, decided to go into politics instead. He’s crazy, and most people love the guy. He sells gin in his spare time, last I heard, and drinks gin all of the time. (He’s the mayor.)

And of course if you don’t have your kids with you, or if they’re old enough, you can get all sorts of comps out of your favorite casino. This can range from five bucks in free slot play to a weekend in a top floor suite. If you sit at a table or machine, you get free drinks. Anything you want, even if it isn’t alcoholic. But what could be wrong with getting drunk and gambling at the same time? This is Vegas: go for it! The casino where I work actually pays me to stay here four nights a week. How’s that for corporate generosity? Visitors only get free nights, I get paid. Is life good or what?

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. And I haven’t even had time to mention the thrill of high speed freeways (if you’re from a state east of Nebraska just take a cab) or the joys to be had by living in a 24/7/365 party town (it’s more than just hooker cards, Chester.) Because I just don’t have time. Why not just book your vacation in Fabulous Las Vegas today? I’ll get the Hoover™ all tuned up for you.