By Steve Fey

Some frequently asked questions not found on our FAQ page:

Q: How do I know when to use to, too, or two?
A: This is easier than it sounds, actually. All you have to do is remember that the word "too" is a linguistic confabulation of the imperative, thereby requiring the use of a split definitive. The word "to" is a protoplasmic derivative that is best left only to professionals. The word "two" should never be uttered in polite company. Trust me on this one.

Q: What is meant by the term "definite article?"
A: Drew Barrymore, for example, is a definite article. The same is true of Lucy Liu and some other actresses I don’t want to talk about just now. As an opposite example, Britney Spears is an "indefinite article", meaning that no one has ever discovered a tangible reason for her popularity. Actors can be articles too, but frankly I don’t look at the actors in most movies enough to be able to tell who is which. Whatever.

Q: How do you spell ‘triskaidekaphobia’?
A:  With a T, obviously. But, isn’t it interesting that the word has fifteen letters? Originally it had only thirteen, and there has been a lot of spirited academic debate over the years as to which of the fifteen weren’t there in the first place. Of course, given the meaning of the word, is it any wonder that there are now fifteen rather than the original thirteen? Thirteen is an odd number. If it’s not unlucky, why are there not still thirteen states? Why isn’t ‘Friday the Fifteenth’ considered an unlucky day? Think about it.

Q: Why shouldn’t you dangle a participle?
A:  Because subordinate clauses like to eat participles for lunch, and if you dangle your participle you’re likely to lose it to the voracious maw of the nearest subordinate (or subjunctive) clause. Subordinate clauses are the shame of the grammar world, as the grammar police have never been able to catch one for long enough to interrogate it as to motives, other clauses of which it is familiar, etc., etc.

Q: What about prepositions?
A:  Prepositions are primarily the bailiwick of fraternity boys on a weekend prowl. Stop by any reasonably popular college bar on a Friday night and you’ll hear at least as many prepositions as there are fraternity men in the house. This may seem crass, but remember that these young men are totally at the mercy of their hormones, and prepositioning is just something that others, especially sorority sisters, need to put up with.

Q: What exactly is a pun?
A:  A pun is the lowest form of humor, unworthy of even the scantest attention from a serious scholar. A vastly superior form of humor is the "three guys walk into a bar" genre. Here’s an example: "A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What is this, a joke?’" Now that’s funny.

Q: Wha . . .
A:  Sorry, but we’re out of time. You’ll just have to hold that question for another time. The late Cretaceous would be fine with me . . .