By Steve Fey

Before I start, let me just say for the record that I don’t think that Allegiant Air is any worse (or better) than any other transportation company. They’re all led by what Scott Adams calls "Induhviduals" who might, to an objective observer, be better employed in positions of servitude to the rest of us. But this story involves Allegiant Air, a low-cost carrier based in Nevada. It seems our youngest child, now a mere almost nineteen, needed something to replace the 1990 Ford Tempo she was driving around Boulder, Colorado. It’s doubtful the car would have made it all the way to Las Vegas. In fact, it’s doubtful the car would have made it as far as Vail Pass, which is about two hours west of Denver. So, in the interest of getting something affordable (read "cheap) yet mechanically sound (read "no pieces visibly falling off) I needed to go to Colorado to assist with the replacement search.

I shopped online using those bargain-finding services and Allegiant proved to be the low-cost leader by a wide margin. Other than the Colorado terminus being Colorado Springs, about an hour south of Denver, this was a great thing. Arrangements were made and I was picked up in The Springs (as it’s known around those parts) and the shopping trip was ultimately successful. (Now she’s got a Chevy. No brand loyalty is to be inferred, please.) The fun started on the trip back.

As I said, it’s about an hour on a crowded but fast highway. Allowing about three hours for the trip (this is air travel, after all) I got a ride back to the airport that would probably leave me bored and tired in the boarding area but secure in the knowledge that I was, you know, goin’ home (hey hey hey hey.) So anyway,

About half an hour along the trip we stopped for what looked like the Detroit/Japan/Germany auto show parade. In another twenty minutes we passed a sign that said, and I paraphrase loosely, "Accident all cleaned up. The road is open." Nobody else could read, I guess because our three mile per hour pace continued. About ten minutes before I was supposed to be at the airport I thought I should call the airline so I did. They offered to reschedule me for two days later since I couldn’t make it on time. I figured out that I could probably be there within forty minutes of when the plane was leaving. The airport has twelve gates. I could ship my luggage with a daughter. I could make the plane. They weren’t having it.

After about ten minutes of back and forth, in which I was increasingly impressed with the density of the material with which I was talking, I was referred to a supervisor. I explained to her that Colorado Springs was a small airport, and asked if she couldn’t just let them know that I’d be late. To that she replied, "I can’t call the Colorado Springs Airport." My questions at that point remain unanswered.

But, there is a punch line coming. Upon arrival, about forty minutes before departure, I found a huge line at the United Airlines counter. United handles check-in for Allegiant in The Springs, I found out. I asked a friendly TSA guy if there was anyone there from Allegiant. He pointed out the line. It seems the flight was delayed by at least an hour. Plenty of time I had, as Yoda would say. But that isn’t the punch line. Just ride along for a bit. In about an hour we heard that the flight had been delayed again. I bought a paper. I read a book. Finally we all boarded. Now, here it is.

As we were all sitting there, strapped in, ready to go, there came an announcement from the crew: "We just have to sit a few more minutes. We’re waiting on three more passengers."

Tiddy-Boom!