By Steve Fey

This week I’d like to start out by having a nice breakfast on the veranda, watch the wildlife down in the meadow, then at about eleven or so, driving over to the beach where we’ll still be for lunch at about 1:30 or 2:00, and in the evening what say we drive into town and hit a good show? Would that be okay? No? Ah, heck!

Of course that’s not okay, because that sort of day is only for people who are innocent. I’m here to tell you, I’ve been feeling guilty all of my life. So long, in fact, that I figure I must be right. Let’s see, now . . .

When I was a lad, in between dodging Velociraptors and waxing the Sabre Tooth Tiger Skins I used to like to sneak cookies out of the cookie jar when nobody was looking. Maybe that’s why I weighed more in tenth grade than I do now. Not because I ate cookies, but because I snuck them out of the jar. See, they were tainted, guilty cookies, the kind that make you fatter just thinking about them. Cookies you take from the jar and everybody sees you and thinks it’s okay, they’re as good at rice cakes. In several ways. My point is that I always felt guilty about stealing those cookies. I still do. Did anybody care if I took those cookies? I doubt it, but I’m still guilty, guilty, guilty.

Everybody in my family was older than me, so I’m also guilty of never knowing all that stuff that they know. You know, stuff about movies, music, TV shows, snide jokes, whatever. I’ve always been inadequate because I’ve never been able to figure out what they were talking about back then. Did they know? How should I know? What I do know is that my not knowing what my older siblings knew made me feel small, inadequate, and guilty, guilty, oh, you know.

It’s no surprise, then, that I feel responsible, day-to-day, for the problems I hear about in the world. To those poor people in Somalia: I’m truly sorry. To that mother whose son was recently killed in Iraq: please forgive me. To anyone who thinks Bush shouldn’t have won the election: I’m truly sorry that my State voted the other way. To those who feel that Bush rightfully won the election: I’m truly sorry that my State’s vote count was so close. If your dog recently passed away: I’m sorry. If you just failed an Algebra midterm: please forgive me.

Reading that back to myself, it almost looks like I must be Catholic, or Jewish even. I’m not either, so I have no excuse. For some reason, my paranoid fantasies have led me, year by year, to feel increasingly guilty about everything. I imagine that this reveals a deep-seated inferiority complex rooted in some childhood experiences that I have since completely forgotten. I know, it’s hard to believe that anyone could forget an experience that completely changed his life, but apparently that’s the way it goes. I confess: I’m weak and helpless in the face of this problem.

It’s just one more failing among many. I’m just plain, say what you will, guilty.

Boy, that feels better!