By Steve Fey

Everybody likes to make predictions for the New Year. The Federal Reserve Bank does it, the TV Networks do it, The Three Stooges used to do it, so why not me?

1. I’ll be late with the first article of 2005, not getting it posted until the morning of January 2^nd.

2. Pontiac will naturally continue producing the ugliest vehicles ever conceived. Inexplicably, people will continue to buy these products.

3. The FDA will admit that maybe its research on some common drugs was a bit hasty and flawed. As a result, we will see massive recalls of Willow Bark Tea, Spider Webs, and Moldy Bread.

4. George W. Bush, acting on his mandate to lead, will propose dramatic new legislation designed to ensure poverty for generations. Unfortunately for him, his most ardent supporters in Congress, realizing that he does not, in fact, intend to make Jerry Falwell the Patron Saint of America, will fight him every step of the way. The resulting government gridlock will produce what political pundits call "a relatively safe time to be a citizen."

5. On the international front, the people of France will continue to express disdain of all things American and to look down their noses at those idiots across the Atlantic Ocean. Looking at them will be a lot like looking in the mirror in the morning.

6. In terms of war, there will be plenty. A lot of it will be in the Middle East. Since this has been going on since the days of Alexander the Great, if not before, nobody will be surprised by it.

7. In Russia there will be a new term for a common citizen. Once replaced with the Communist-style "comrade", the man and woman on the street will now be known by the colorful term, "Serfs." The people of Russia will finally realize their dream of having a sea coast, at least in the sense that every morning early they’ll hear the loudspeakers saying "Serfs Up!"

8. Millions of people will lose millions of dollars betting against the casinos in Las Vegas. Oddly, they will almost all go home to places that don’t have casinos with tales of how wonderful it was to lose money in such a glamorous city. (Okay, this is a perennial.)

9. Every other driver on the road will be either a reckless speeder or a dangerous slowpoke. None of them will be worthy of their drivers’ licenses. You are the only exception.

10. If you’re an American, you’ll probably weigh more in December than you did in January. Rest assured that there are hundreds of products advertised on television to help you shed those excess pounds. You can take your pick and know that at the end of the year, it won’t have made a whit of difference.

11. I’ll try to publish something each and every week, and probably end up around 41 or 42 things published for the year. Same as the last year. But do check back: you never know.

Next week: Creative recipes using left-over confetti.