GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST

By Steve Fey

I posted a serious treatment of this week’s topic on my blog. Click the word "blog" if you really want to be bored. Otherwise, consider that our two-party system is probably an ancient problem. G. C. Caesar wrote about the two-party system in his commentaries about the Gauls. The Gauls, in fact, according to the man who just knew he was the greatest general ever spawned all of the Celts in Europe, used a two-faction system to rule themselves. All of the Celts in Europe included, at that time, the Iberians (Spanish), Gauls (French), Britons (Welsh and Bretons), Scoti (Irish and Scots) and the ever-popular (with Caesar because he got to defeat them and then be generous) Helvetians (Swiss.) In America we had a number of founding fathers who were from one of those groups, we had a lot of help from the French (believe it or not) and, well, we sort of have a Celtic republic going here, where one party is only around because we think we need two. Wow, what a concept, huh? To demonstrate what I mean, here’s a transcript of a conversation that took place in the year 697 of the Empire, or in about 59 BC in our reckoning.

Galba, a king of a group of Gauls and Vergintorix, king of most of the rest of the Gauls, are conferring in a tent in a camp amidst a quarter of a million troops.

Galba: You know, Verge, I can call you Verge, right?, that Caesar is quite the trickster. Do you have any idea what he did to me over near the Remi a couple of years ago?

Vergintorix: "Verge?" What do you think I am, some second-rate comedian from two-millennia hence? That’s "Your Highness Vergintorix" to you, you second-rate pretender.

Galba: Second-rate pretender? Pretty bold words for a guy who bought the kingship from the High Council!

Vergintorix: Bought the kingship my tookus! All I did was get the High Council to settle a little dispute amongst the Southern Towns. That’s not buying a kingship!

Galba: Sure. Okay. So, your highness, you got a plan for dealing with that Roman nuisance?

Vergintorix: Plan? I’ve got a quarter of a million of the best warriors in Gaul, plus a few disgruntled Germans thrown in for good measure. I’ve got the home-field advantage, and as you well know, right and the gods are on our side!

Galba: That’s what I thought. But I think the gods must be feeling a bit peaked lately. You sure a quarter million is gonna do it? People are saying you skipped out of a whole lot of skirmishes when you were younger.

Vergintorix: Skipped out? That’s absolutely untrue! The records are there. Look ‘em up.

Galba: We tried, but no dice. But that’s not the point. I asked if you had a plan to defeat Caesar.

Vergintorix: We will put forth the utmost effort. We will spare no difficulty. We shall root Caesar out at his source, and we shall prevail!

Galba: I think that sounds like the same old Vergintorixian double-talk, Verge!

Vergintorix: I thought I told you not to call me that! Out of my tent, you varlet! There’s serious work to be done.

Galba: And about the plan to defeat the Romans?

Vergintorix: I’ll let you know when you need to know. National security, you know.

The moral of the story is: The more things change, the more they stay the same. Right, Verge?