By Steve Fey

If you meet the Buddha in the road, cut back on the wacky weed.

You’ll never fail at anything if you never try anything. Americans hate failures. You do the math.

You’ll never catch your mother’s sister with an ant trap.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but then again, who wants a bunch of flies?

If all of your friends jump off of a cliff you might as well follow them. All those bodies piled up at the bottom will cushion your fall.

Don’t try to drive your car like it was an expensive Italian sports car. It won't take the strain. Steal an actual expensive Italian sports car and drive that instead.

Nobody’s ever said exactly what the road to heaven is paved with, but it’s a good bet that it isn’t prayer books.

Never ask for assistance to find something in the self-help section of the bookstore.

Of course there’s such a thing as a free lunch. It’s getting to where it’s being served that will break the bank.

In the days of the mighty dinosaurs they were bothered by cockroaches. There just has to be a lesson in there somewhere.

Anybody who claims to know what’s best for you is trying to sell you something. You’ll remember that if you know what’s good for you.

A penny saved is probably lost in a couch cushion.

You can subscribe to every television channel on the planet and there will still be long stretches where there’s nothing on worth watching.

If at first you don’t succeed it means that they really are all against you!

Failure is not an option. It’s usually standard equipment.

Movies and TV shows are all a pack of lies. Honest. They make it all up. For instance, there never was a real "Ed Sullivan." The part was played by a character actor from Bayonne, New Jersey.

If life hands you lemons, spit lemon juice in life’s eye. The nerve of life, anyway!

There is a right way and a wrong way to open a new CD case. So far the only way science has discovered to do the job is the wrong way.

It’s really true that everyone from everyplace else has an accent and you don’t. It’s one of the great miracles of life.

Never give a sucker an even break: smash it into lots of pieces and you can share them with friends.

A fool and his money are soon parted, so if you need some money the thing to do is to find a fool.

Actually, most people as they lay dying do say "I wish I’d spent more time at the office."

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach only if you happen to be in his liver at the time.

Remember that there are just 10 digits in binary notation.

Never take advice from a wise guy with a Web Site.